March is a wrap, and that’s no joke!

As we roll into April, I want to reflect on the month of March.  I was kind of starting to be hard on myself because I felt like I didn’t make a lot of progress this month.  Yes, I’ve been lifting heavier weights but cardio used to be my gold standard, and I didn’t do much of that for the month of March.  Plus, March was a really tough and emotional month for me.

Tonight was my first night back to Zumba.  It felt good to be back even though I still had to modify a lot of movements and sit out a couple of really high-intensity songs.  However, I did make progress this month.  I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.  The pictures on the left were taken at the end of February or the 1st of March, and the pictures on the right were taken either last night or tonight.  I can tell a small difference, and progress is progress.  I’m pretty happy with what I’m seeing! I also have to remember that I was in a boot for most of March and haven’t done any high intensity cardio in two months.  All-in-all, I’m proud of my March progress, and I look forward to crushing more goals in April.  I won’t have my measurements until Friday, but no matter what they turn out to be, I will still be proud of myself.

 

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Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Last night I found a blog post I wrote on June 3, 2008 – almost seven years ago.  What I wrote about then, definitely still applies today.

 

Most every night I lay in my bed before falling asleep and daydream for a little while to wind down all the stuff in my head. Usually my day dreams consist of the hot ex-basketball player from class asking me out or Jamie Fraser (from Outlander) materializing out of thin air and falling madly in love with me. Haha. Also, I usually wake up one day totally fit without any effort on my part. Well last night my fantasy had changed without any conscious effort. This time last night I was envisioning me doing fifty push-ups and chair dips and other strenuous exercises (my upper body strength is one of my weaknesses).

The point is that without any conscious effort, I was thinking of ways to improve me. Yes, it wouldn’t hurt to have some smoking man around or it would be nice to just wake up fit, but I began to put stock in myself more. Plus, this fantasy is something that I can actually work up to.

[T]his recent change in myself just goes to show how far I have come. I know I can’t just wake-up fit, I actually have to work at it, and I am! Pretty soon those fifty push-ups and fifty chair-dips won’t be just a fantasy, and I can lay in bed dreaming up new ways to push my limits!

It’s so funny, that I have once again began fantasizing about being a fitness bad ass.  I no longer day-dream about sparkly ponies or some guy sweeping me off my feet.  When my mind starts to wander, I find that it is thinking of new workouts or ways to change-up my cardio.  Today, I found myself day-dreaming about ab work.  Yes, you read that right.  I was day-dreaming about ab work.  Well, maybe brainstorming is a better term.  I’ve been adding ab work to the end of every weightlifting session (there times a week), but I don’t really love crunches.   Last night after doing a fast and furious cycle warm-up (2 hills for 3.12 miles in 10 minutes), I lifted.  I can tell that I am getting a little stronger each week.

Last night I lifted three sets of 60lbs deadlifts, 75 lbs lat pull-downs, and 40lbs shoulder presses.  Then I did ab-work: three sets each of planks, flutter kicks, and hip-lifts (or whatever it’s called when you are on your back with your feet straight up in the air and lift your hips/pelvis in the air using your core).  I feel like I need to add in more abs though.  I’d love to hear any ab-work tips from you guys!  Last week, I tried to do some ab work with the stability ball.  That was entertaining.  I was wobbling all over the place and even sent the ball rolling away from me at one point.  It might help if I didn’t try to make sound effects while rolling to and fro in the floor with the stability ball.  I’m surprised my gym hasn’t asked me to quietly leave yet.   Even so, I’d like to try more stability-ball work next time.  I have almost two whole days to come up with an addition to my weights routine for Wednesday night.  So far, squats, rows, and bench presses are on the menu after a little cardio, and I’ll definitely throw in some abs at the end.  Until I get back to the gym, I’ll do a little day-dreaming/brainstorming on shaking up the routine.  Can’t wait!

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Eating all my feelings away

It’s been a rough few days around here. I’ve been dealing with a family medical issue and spent four days in and out of the hospital (visiting not being admitted). Although I know that you can’t plan life perfectly and stuff comes up, I’ve been really disappointed with the way that I’ve handled stress the last few days.  I’m pretty sure I’ve crammed every item of food that has come within my line of vision into my mouth. Also, we ate out a lot because we didn’t want to be far from the hospital at any given moment.  With my family (as I’m sure it is with most families), food equals comfort.  So as my Pepa is recuperating at home, I’ve continued on the eating trend.  His favorite meal is breakfast.  When I was younger, and actually even now, when I stay at my grandparents house, he has a hot breakfast waiting when I get up (and sometimes sounds the dinner bell before I’m awake).  This morning, I cooked a full breakfast of eggs, sausage, and biscuits with peanut butter and jelly.  I don’t even want to think about the calories in the breakfast.  I will say that it was the first meal that my Pepa ate in its entirety.  I ate it in its entirety too.  Then I made some pecan and walnut chocolate-chip cookies for Pepa because he loves them.  I’m scared to weigh on Friday.  I know that this is a special circumstance, and I’m not going to make this a habit but I’m still a little disappointed in myself.  All I can do now is to wake up each day and vow to do better.

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Weight Ain’t Nothing But A Number

I mean literally. It’s a number. That’s it. I spend so much time focusing on my scale, but I’m finally looking at it from a different perspective. Today, I weighed for the week. I gained 1.5lbs. Instead of getting frustrated, I took a closer look at the numbers. I have an iHealth scale that also measures percent body fat, muscle weight, bone weight, and water weight among other things. I don’t take the numbers as solid gold, but I do use them as benchmarks.  According to my numbers, I have lost another .3% of body fat and gained 2.2lbs of muscle.  You know what? I’ll take it.  I noticed some new waist-definition Wednesday night.  Also, I put my suit on for the first time in a while and it had some room.  I’m pretty okay with these changes.

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I’ve started a new weight lifting routine, and I love it.  It’s the first time that I have a structured routine.  Usually I just walk upstairs and think, “Oh that machine is free or hmm how about I use these 10lbs dumb-bells.”  Now I have a split-body plan, three days a week.  I feel strong and powerful.  However, I’ve got to stop making awkward eye contact with boys in the weight room! And I’ve got to stop exclaiming, “I want to work out with him!” Hahaha.  I promise, I’m not hitting on these guys (although I do appreciate a good-looking, sweaty man these days), but I’m checking out their routines. Watch out boys, I want to be a fitness bad ass.  I should probably quit exclaiming loudly to Watts that I’m trying not to have the protein farts.  I’m pretty sure that doesn’t help my quest to be a badass! But maybe.

 

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And I’m FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hopefully not free-falling.  Okay, okay.  I’m conditionally free.  I have been released to only wear the boot when I’m feeling pain or discomfort.  For the next two weeks, I have to wear tennis shoes (or some other stable shoe with laces — unfortunately not heels yet) and still modify my exercise.  I am so relieved to learn that my foot is healing and that in two weeks I can begin to try to run again.  I have to admit that I’m a little gun-shy, and I’m worried that I’ll push myself too hard now that I’m sans boot.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I want to get better and stay far, far away from that retched contraption (aka the boot).  Tonight, I went to body works class and lifted weights.  I modified lunges still and gave my foot breaks if it started to feel sore.  I was careful (for all you people out there who are worried I’ve been doing too much on my foot)! Also, I ran everything by my doctor, and I can still work out – just no high-impact stuff for at least two more weeks.  He said that it will be another month before my foot starts to feel normal again.  I’m okay with that.  The important thing is that I am making progress and healing nicely.  For now, I’ll just rock my hot pink Nikes with my business attire at work.  Tonight I did go up on my foot in plank position on reflex. I quickly modified and ended up completing one single-leg push up! I’m pretty proud of that.  It will just take some additional mental adjustments as I continue to workout while healing.  It felt so weird to have a regular shoe on my left foot tonight. I definitely don’t miss the velcro sounds my boot made when I’d walk.  I’m not burning that sucker, but I hope to put it back in the far reaches of my closet very soon.

 

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Know thyself

From my guest post on the PumpUp blog today:

I think one of my biggest problems in the past was that I did not truly know myself. It’s still a learning process.  When you don’t really know yourself, it is so much easier to fall into the trap of what works for others but may not work for you. Trust me, I have fallen into that trap time-after-time (cue Cyndi Lauper music). Now listen, I am certainly not saying that you should stop experimenting with things in life or trying new things.  I think it is important to branch out from time-to-time and learn new things.  But, don’t get mad at yourself if what works so well for someone else, doesn’t really work for you.  We are all different people and are at different stages in our journeys and most of us are on different journeys all together.

I have come to realize that I have to figure out what works for me.  I’ve been on so many different diets, it would make your head spin – Weight Watchers, Sugar Busters, The Cabbage Diet, The Grapefruit Diet (I can’t even look a grapefruit in the eye to this day), The Adkins Diet, The Dukan Diet, The Good Life Diet, whatever that Susan Powter one was, Nutrisystem, Slimfast, Xyngular diet, The South Beach Diet, herbal supplements, Adipex, and the praying that I had a thyroid problem so I could just get medication to fix this diet.  And you know what? None of those diets really worked.  Sure, they may have worked for a short time, but I always ended up gaining some or most of the weight back.  I now know that I need to work on the mental component and really embrace a lifestyle change that works for me.  I also have to finally come to terms with the fact that it should be less about the lbs and more about the health aspect. Sure (for me) it is important to my health to shed some of this fat.  However, losing weight is only one aspect of my overall healthful journey.  It took me a long time to realize that, and I constantly have to remind myself.

Now here’s some real talk; something that I don’t really admit to people, least of all myself: I am very frightened that I am no longer going to know who I am if I’m not “the fat girl.”  All my life, pretty much since puberty if not before, I have been overweight.  I have come to identify myself as the fat one.  That’s just who I am.  So much of my personality has been about saying, “fuck you world, I’m fat AND fabulous.” I guess that I am scared of what I will become without that badge; like I should be admired because I maintained an awesome existence in spite of being the fat lady at the circus.  It’s been a little horrifying to start peeling back the layers and realizing that this is what I am scared of and this is how I feel.  How do you counteract yourself when deep down your soul feels like it is fighting for its very existence? Realizing this, explains so much of why I would self-sabotage anytime I was on a healthy streak.  My psyche or subconscious or whatever the psychological words are, I think my very soul, was fighting for its life because I felt like I was killing the very essence of me if I lost the weight.  This is quite a powerful thing to work against.  At least, I am finally aware of this fact now.  I imagine that it is very hard to fight demons that you can’t see.  At least now, my biggest demon is out in the light where I can begin to slay it.

 

The mind is a very powerful thing, and it is funny how memories work.  I always remembered myself as this horrifically obese child.  It seemed that way in my mind.  I started looking back on old photos from my childhood, and guess what? I look like a normal and healthy and happy child.  So why did I have it in my head that I was ALWAYS fat.  Was I a 30 lbs newborn? No.  I’m pretty sure I weighed 7lbs and 2oz at birth. Here’s a picture of me from my youth: IMG_2761 I’m cramming cereal in my mouth sure, looks like Lucky Charms from the picture, but nowhere is the fat little chubby monster that I thought I was.  So much of my life involves the mingling of shame and food, and I’m still trying to figure out why that is.  However, I have to realize that “fat girl” is not my identity.  I am so much more than that.  Here’s a picture of 8th grade Kaycee.  I remember being so cogniznant of my weight and so self-conscious of my c-cup boobs.  I hated my body. 22458_326820363277_2533584_n

 

So many of my diary entries from middle school and high school were filled with self-loathing and shame.  I wish so much to cradle that Kaycee and let her know that everything will be okay.  I want to tell her that she is beautiful, kind, smart, funny, and strong.  I want to tell her that it doesn’t matter what others think; she is beautiful! I want to tell her that she is so much more than the numbers.  That she will grow up to be a class valedictorian, she will graduate from college and law school with honors and will make a fine lawyer someday.  Even more so, I want to tell her that she will forgive herself and her body one day.  All the days filled with anguish and disgust aren’t worth it.  She will fall in love.  She will break hearts and get her heart broken.  I want to tell her that she lives and will continue to live an amazing life and have abounding adventures.  Most of all, I want to tell her that I love her unconditionally because I finally do.  I’m so sorry to the past Kaycee who never got my unconditional love.  Please know that I will never let you feel that way again.  I was not the fat girl. I am not the fat girl. You are not the fat girl.

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My Progress Report

So I promised a post with all of the numbers. Today, I weighed myself for the week and checked my measurements for the month. Although I didn’t start a full-fledged health attack until the beginning of 2015, I started making small efforts back in December after visiting the doctor for a sinus infection and not being happy with the number on the scale. I have lost twenty pounds since the middle of December. I am very happy with the weight lost, but I have to be honest.  I was really disappointed that I stepped on the scale this morning and lost nothing for the week.  I have to remember that I didn’t work out as much this week, but it seems that losing weight just doesn’t come as easily this time around.  I’ll just keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change, and I am taking baby steps.  Breathe in, breathe out.  However, I did check my body measurements for the month of February.  I lost 5.25 inches of fat from my body overall.  Woohoo! My biggest area of loss (1.75 inches) is from my bingo arms area.  I’ve been focusing on trying to lift more weights and do more triceps work.  I guess that paid off.  So overall, I can’t beat myself up too much.  I am a different Kaycee then all the other times I’ve attempted weight loss.  I am doing this the healthy way.  Below is a picture of my progress.  The left side of the picture was taken on December 20, 2014 and the right side taken on February 24, 2015.  There’s a twenty pound difference between the two.  So hell yeah – I am proud of my progress! Happy Friday!

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Shit Happens!

Well, it does.  And Sunday was one of those days.  Sunday I ran smack into my ex-boyfriend, Mars (yeah remember Mars: This Mars) almost literally.  It turns out that we were at the same event on Sunday.  I rounded a corner and boom there he was.  It felt like someone punched me in the stomach.  And then we kept running into each other because the huge space we were in was actually a tiny, confined box.  Needless to say, I wasn’t ready to see him.  Maybe I’ll never be ready to see him.  So being around Mars all day was not a fun time.  I was an emotional mess on the inside while trying to remain calm, aloof, and charming on the outside.  It was pretty exhausting, but I survived it.  Then I get home.  It had been raining on and off all day.  I get out of my car and start walking toward the porch.  Then I hit the muddy yard (and I do mean hit).  I fall ass-first into the muddy yard — cartoon style.  I’m talking feet flying out from under me and into the air and landing hard on my ass — cartoon style.  I’ll be honest.  I laid there for a few moments and cried in the pouring rain.  It was the perfectly shitty ending to a very shitty day.

You can totally see where I peeled out in my yard!

You can totally see where I peeled out in my yard!

 

Now.  Now we get to the good part.

 

I am a NOTORIOUS emotional eater.  I would stuff down so much food to suffocate what I was feeling at the moment.  HOWEVER, Sunday night after the shitty day and the shitty ending to my day, I did not emotionally eat one time! So I am still counting that day as a victory.  I am learning that there will always be something that will make me want to emotionally eat. Life is not perfect and is filled with speed bumps and hurdles.  I have to learn to cope without using food as a fix, because it’s not.  It’s not a fix.

Another setback: my foot.  I went back to the doctor today for a check up on my foot.  I’m still in the boot.  It will be at least another two weeks before we can decide whether I’ll be out of the boot then.  My foot is healing, but it’s not healed yet.  Also, it turns out that I have two stress-fractures instead of one.  No wonder my foot has been hurting so much! But again, I will focus on the positives.  My foot is healing, and I still have the okay to continue to work out on it.  So I will forge ahead and continue with my goals – only in a modified way. Now excuse me while I crank up Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” and sing along.

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