I made the mistake of climbing in bed when I got home from work last night. I knew that I wanted to go workout, but my hip hop dance class didn’t start until 7:30. I actually got off work at a normal hour so I celebrated by climbing in bed and turning on “The Night Of” on HBO. (I’m one episode behind so no spoilers!) It was hard for me to get out of bed and turn off the tv (don’t judge! The show is really good), but I did. I knew that going to class would make me feel better.
I’m putting on a “brave face” and seem to be handling things just fine. Sometimes I am, but it’s nice that I’ve kept myself distracted. I think about him a lot though. It’s funny how the most innocuous thing can make me think about him – like doing pushups last night during one of our songs in dance class. It’s completely ridiculous. I even started reading his favorite book. I’m pathetic. I know.
I’m terrible about caving when he texts, because he’s who I want to talk to the most, but I’m trying to be strong. I want to cry to him about the shitty news I received from a friend yesterday. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is okay. In past relationships, I’ve always caved. Although it sounds contradictory, I love him too much to give in and text him or call him. I want nothing more than to respond to his texts and tell him about how hard this is and how much I miss him and think about him everyday. How I want him to realize that I’m not the kind of woman you walk away from and that what we had was too special to just let go. I want him to fight for me. To choose me. To love me. But more than anything, I want a future with him, and if he’s not willing to give that to me, then I have to stay strong and work to get over him. I love him so much, but I have to love myself more in this instance.