Staying Strong

I made the mistake of climbing in bed when I got home from work last night. I knew that I wanted to go workout, but my hip hop dance class didn’t start until 7:30. I actually got off work at a normal hour so I celebrated by climbing in bed and turning on “The Night Of” on HBO. (I’m one episode behind so no spoilers!) It was hard for me to get out of bed and turn off the tv (don’t judge! The show is really good), but I did. I knew that going to class would make me feel better.

I’m putting on a “brave face” and seem to be handling things just fine. Sometimes I am, but it’s nice that I’ve kept myself distracted. I think about him a lot though. It’s funny how the most innocuous thing can make me think about him – like doing pushups last night during one of our songs in dance class.  It’s completely ridiculous. I even started reading his favorite book. I’m pathetic. I know.

I’m terrible about caving when he texts, because he’s who I want to talk to the most, but I’m trying to be strong. I want to cry to him about the shitty news I received from a friend yesterday. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is okay. In past relationships, I’ve always caved.  Although it sounds contradictory, I love him too much to give in and text him or call him. I want nothing more than to respond to his texts and tell him about how hard this is and how much I miss him and think about him everyday. How I want him to realize that I’m not the kind of woman you walk away from and that what we had was too special to just let go. I want him to fight for me. To choose me. To love me.  But more than anything, I want a future with him, and if he’s not willing to give that to me, then I have to stay strong and work to get over him. I love him so much, but I have to love myself more in this instance. 

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Ache

It’s been one week since the end of my  relationship with the boy. I haven’t really spent a lot of time home alone. My week was full of either working late and then hitting the gym or going out with friends as a distraction. This past weekend, I went back to Arkansas to visit my family for my nephew’s first birthday. I drove down Friday and stayed until today. On my way out of town this morning, I had brunch with some dear friends that I haven’t seen in a while. My weekend was filled with family and love. It was a good weekend. There was no time to feel sad or be mopey. Then, I spent two hours catching up with my friends this morning. Our brunch was full of laughter and comraderie. 

I knew the drive home was going to be tough. There would be plenty of time for me to turn our relationship over in my mind and for me to think about what could have been. And anytime I spend the weekend with family, it’s always a little hard coming home to an empty apartment so I knew that plus my heartbreak would make today doubly hard. I will say, driving through Arkansas did not make me nostalgic or homesick. I most certainly miss the people in my life from there, but I do not miss living in Little Rock at all. At least I can be comforted in the fact that every time I visit Arkansas, I am certain that my move last year was the right choice. I know that even now when I’m missing having family close by as salve for my broken heart. 

However, even being secure in that knowledge, I am having trouble falling asleep tonight. I’m sad. I figured I’d get these words out to unburden my heavy heart a little. To ease the effects of my sadness. Tonight, I’m thinking about the physical sides of emotions. I’m not talking about arousal or sexual gratification. I’m talking about the actual physical ache you can feel in your heart when it’s breaking or yearning for someone to return your love. I’m talking about the nausea associated with that heartache, the hot-searing pain of the tears running down your face, and the breathless tightening of your chest as you long for him to tell you he made a mistake and can’t live without you. It’s amazing really that emotions can translate to the physical. 

Perhaps I should be embarrassed at my willingness to express such raw thoughts on the World Wide Web. However, I’ve tried to keep this blog honest and authentic throughout. So, I ask for a little patience and understanding as I work through this latest “challenge.” 

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Over You

I love music so much, and it can bring me such happiness. I feel like music is in my soul. It speaks to every part of me. But with all the emotions coursing through me right now, so many songs just remind me of my love. It’s like breaking my heart all over each time I hear something that evokes his memory. Like this Ingrid Michaelson song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1jKwagQhPUaK9kgcymjgiX

“Maybe if I tell myself enough… I’ll get over you.”

I can’t hide from music though, nor do I want to. It’s within me. So tonight, after an emotional day, I met some friends out at Live on the Green: a free concert series downtown. Because maybe if I tell myself enough…


“Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears – it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more – it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity.”

— Oliver Sacks

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The third night. 

When I think about you, as I have so much over the last three nights, my stomach gets all twisted up in knots and my heart drops into what feels like the abyss. Do you find yourself thinking of me too? Thinking on if things could ever be different?   Do you listen to our playlist at all and get lost in the emotion represented in every song selected because I chose each one for you? Or do you not let yourself get “carried away” with emotion and resolve to forget me for good? I shouldn’t be writing out every emotional torment, but damned if I care. So as I prepare for another night of a shattered heart’s slumber, I can’t help but hear the X Ambassadors in my head: “If you love me don’t let go….” 

PS: This video is entirely too fitting. https://youtu.be/mak_Cu9Wl6w

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Instagram me!

Hey guys!

I don’t always get time to post a blog update, but I will post workout pics etc on my Instagram page (you’ll also probably get other pics of my life too).  So if you want to keep track of my adventures between posts (since I haven’t been the most reliable), follow me on Instagram by clicking here or searching for Kaycee22.

 

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Mood = Celine Dion 😱😁

I’m embarrassed to say that I almost listened to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” just now. That’s my current mood. Today was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Moments of I can’t do this flashed in my head throughout the day. My concentration was completely shot, and I probably should have just stayed home and wallowed. Last night, I watched the movie “Room” for some perspective (that my broken heart was not the worst thing to endure). Yes, I’m dramatic. My plan backfired, and I felt terrible.  So I turned on The Gilmore Girls. Great plan, Kaycee! Nope. No it was not. It was an episode where Lorelai sings “I Will Always Love You” to someone she’s still in love with. So tonight, no movies or tv. I’m going to change and head to the gym to dance it out. I really hope the cool-down song isn’t India.Arie’s “Ready For Love” like it was last week. I really don’t want to ugly cry in front of a room full of strangers.

Update:

I definitely worked out some emotions tonight. Exercising my demons, if you will. It was needed. And then I came home and cried.


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The Ocean

A lot has happened in the past month, and I can’t help but feel like life is a little chaotic. I haven’t gotten to the gym as much as I’d like. I’ve spent too much time working and when not working, falling in love. But alas, I’m back to being broken-hearted, unfortunately.

Last weekend, I flew down to Florida to spend a (too short) weekend with my sister and my two oldest nephews. We had a really great time, but I got too much sun.

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However, I didn’t realize the emotional effect that the ocean would have on me. I’ve spent some time in the ocean in Jamaica, Mexico, and the Bahamas, but this was the first time I’ve ever experienced the power of the ocean and the waves because resorts usually have some kind of breaker in front of the beach. Standing in the water and feeling the various currents swirling all around me. Feeling the power of the waves and realizing their control over my body. It was very intense. And in a way, it felt like I was being washed clean and getting a fresh start. That is a very powerful feeling.  I felt so inconsequential and small compared to its vastness. At one point, standing there among the waves, I wondered if it would just wash me and all my worries out to sea.

The relationship that I mentioned above was not right for me. I love him. I absolutely love him, but there were various factors outside of my control and it was not the relationship that I deserved or needed. I don’t doubt that he loves me too, but unfortunately it had to end. I made the decision while I was on the beach last weekend. I know it sounds crazy, but standing in the ocean, I was unable to lie to myself any longer. Like I said, it felt like the ocean was washing away my transgressions and letting me start anew. This week has been really tough. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and I didn’t want it to end. I can’t imagine never seeing his face again or hearing his voice. He had quickly become my most favorite person and now he’s gone. It’s hard enough having your heartbroken out of the blue, but it is just as hard to be in love and know that he loves you, but you still walk away because it is the right thing to do. And now I sit here, not only mourning our love but also mourning the future that I thought we would have. I wish I was back out at sea, letting the ocean wash around me. Washing my sorrows out to the deep and letting me emerge from its depths anew.

……………………………………………………………….

I hold you in my heart,

For never to let go.

You’re nestled deep inside,

And know I love you so.

I can’t quite fathom,

All the many ways.

In which I am yours,

Until the end of days.

Love now lingers shortly,

For our end is near.

But these memories of us,

I hope you’ll always hold dear.

I’d rather feel the sharp pain,

That heartache does bring.

Than never know that feeling,

Of our love shining.

A million times I’m shattered,

For I loved our love the most.

But now you say goodbye,

Our love becomes a ghost.

You had my heart once, but

You have to set me free.

So remember our love,

When these words you see.

-KLW

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Kaycee and the no-good-very-bad day

*** Warning. This post contains detailed bitching about my boobs. You’ve been warned****

Today has been one of those days that just started really bad. Personal stuff this morning first thing and then work stuff blew up all before 8:40 am.  It’s been busy and tiring and the last thing I wanted to do was work out tonight. When I finally left work, I stopped by a friend’s place. After a few minutes of chatting, I said that I was either going to go for a fun or strip down to my underwear and watch other people run (in the Olympics). Luckily, I chose the former.

I’m still pretty sunburned so it still hurts to put on a sports bra. I only have one front-snap sports bra so I dug it out of the bottom of my drawer. I quickly remembered why it was at the bottom. The girls were spilling out of that thing like I had on a miracle bra (remembers those from the 90s?). I went with it because I couldn’t imagine putting on one of my regular sports bras, but just walking made me look like I was making a cameo in some type of runner’s porn. I started running and each time my foot hit the pavement my boobs would bounce uncontrollably and then my sports bra would dig into my sunburned back. I’ll be honest, I thought about just taking a short 10 minute jog and then calling it a night. However, I kept going. I jogged intervals around the park and then climbed the capitol steps and huffed and puffed my way home. Run keeper, that asshole, let me know that it was my 35th fastest run. Fine, fine. Not my fastest, but it has been a month since I’ve run so I’ll take it. About a month ago, I was doing a lot of running because I was running in solidarity with the guy I was dating who was training for a PT test. Sadly, I had to curtail my running because my knee started hurting again due to a weak VMO (or something like that). However, I ordered a new knee strap and tonight was the first time that I’ve run since getting the strap.

I feel much better after my run so I’m glad I went. I’m also really glad that this day is behind me, and I hope that tomorrow is better. I have a confession though. I was running down a straightaway at the park. It was canopied by trees so it was easy to just focus on the end. For that split second, I pretended I was running in the Olympics. Haha.  I did not win the gold. Hell, I don’t even think I qualified. 35th fastest run. Oof. I wasn’t rewarded with a medal, but I was rewarded with this beautiful sunset.

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Shout, Cry, Sweat it all Out

Wow. I haven’t posted anything in a month. My apologies guys. Life has been flying by, and I’m not really sure where the time has gone. I’ve been really busy at work and really busy with a boy. But hopefully work will calm down, and well, where the boy is concerned, I’ll have some free time again.

 

This past weekend I met my sister and nephews at the beach, and I’ve got a post on the Ocean coming later this week. I’m entirely too pale to be at home on the beach. So needless to say, I got really burnt. I promise I put on sunscreen and re-applied! However, I still look like a giant lobster. It was really embarrassing going into work with a burnt, red face. I slathered my face in Vitamin E oil so not only was I bright red, I was super shiny too. Fun, Fun. I burnt my back too. Putting on a bra today was torture. When I got home from work, I really just wanted to take off all my clothes and just stand in front of the fan. However, I knew that I had to workout tonight. I slowly put on my sports bra, which felt like it was made out of razor blades. Oh man! I so didn’t want to go through with my workout. But I made a promise to myself, that I would get my ass into cardio blast tonight. Burns or no burns. I got my clothes on and did some heavy breathing. I then had an hour to kill before class started. I made the mistake of checking my newsfeed and someone posted a video that really got to me. I’m having an emotional day and working through some heartache (I feel like I am always typing that statement. One day. One day hopefully all this heartache will have happened for a reason). I called my best friend sobbing and hyperventilating. Really lovely stuff. However, I hung up with her, blew my nose, and laced up my tennis shoes to head to the gym. We had a sub tonight who was very enthusiastic and of course, did a lot of upper body work tonight. We focused on back and arms. Oh, did I forget to mention where I was sunburned the worst? My back. So every move tonight had the potential of being agonizing. But I really focused on getting lost in the music and working out my emotions. I ended up burning 1,000 calories. I came home and slathered up in more Vitamin E oil after my shower. Here’s hoping that I’m a little bit of a lighter lobster tomorrow!

 

A little pre-lobster sunbathing

Embracing my flaws and enjoying the beach!

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