Hello 2018! Where have I been?

Sooooooo….. It’s been nine months since I’ve written anything. The last nine months have been a pretty crazy roller coaster and a bunch of my old body demons have resurfaced. I’ve felt ashamed to write about them – that I’ve somehow let everyone down. But, I forgot how powerful this blog is for me. Not powerful in terms of reaching out to people or being a “public figure” (although we all know I love the spotlight), but in terms of it being therapeutic for me to work through tough issues in my writing. Also, I forgot how much it helps to feel like I am connecting to at least one person. That I’m not alone through all this. Let me write you a brief synopsis of everything I’ve been dealing with over the past nine months. However, let me also start out by saying that I’ve had some incredible adventures during that time and some very joyous moments. Due to lack of time and wanting to write at least something, I’m only going to be summarizing my woes for you. Oh how fun, right?

As you may remember from my last post (but likely not since it was nine months ago! Oy!), I was diagnosed with PCOS. Due to switching to an IUD (intrauterine device) from hormonal birth control pills, my body became hormonally imbalanced and my PCOS flared up causing lightning fast weight gain.  I went to the doctor to discuss my options.  At first, we decided to start birth control pills while keeping the IUD.  However, after several months and continuing with the same issues, I decided to remove the IUD and just rely on hormonal birth control pills.  In just six months, my cholesterol and insulin levels sky-rocketed.  I felt betrayed by my body.  My blood work has always been fantastic, and I could not understand why now it was an issue.  Yes, I’m getting older.  Maybe that was it.  I’ve since discovered that high cholesterol and high insulin are another side effect of PCOS.  Fun times! My doctor started me on metformin, but boy does my stomach not like that medication.  I’ve felt embarrassed to go to the gym.  I still cannot lose weight.  Talk about being all aboard the frustration station!

 

With any new year, I’ve taken time to hone in on what I want to accomplish and focus on this year.  I have decided that I don’t believe in resolutions anymore because they seem temporary.  But, I am determined to get my health back on track.  I made it to the gym five times this week, and I plan to go to restorative yoga this afternoon.  I did my first dance blast class in nine months yesterday! I forgot to wear my fitbit though.  So, does a workout count if you do it without your fitbit? Asking for a friend. It feels nice heading back into the gym.  However, some old insecurities popped back up.  For instance, I was bothered about being the fattest girl in the dance class. Luckily, my mind and body soon got caught up in the music, and the rhythm took control.  I also had to fight the feeling that everyone was looking at me and judging me.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way in the gym.  I’m hoping that continuing to build back those habits will soon erase all the unease I once felt and now feel again.  I thought those days were long gone! I also have to learn to give my body grace. It has 40 extra pounds on it right now, so I know that I need to be gentle and forgive all the aches and pains.  I will get there.

 

Cheers to a new year.  I will continue to be grateful.  I am determined to be healthy and strong.  Let’s do this!

 

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