Monday, Monday

Last week was a rough week in the romantic department. My confidence (and my heart) took a blow, and I am really fed up with the single life right now. I got stood up twice last week. The first one was kind of not a surprise, but the second one hurt (a lot). Yesterday was emotional, and I’m just kind of over being alone right now. I’m having a lot of self-doubt about a decision I made to end a relationship that I didn’t want to end but knew it was the right thing to do. I still love him.  Yes, still. Being single during fall (and the holidays) is always a little less fun for me. The state of dating right now is abysmal. Technology has killed romance. So I’m embarrassed to say that I came home from work tonight and just laid on my bed in my dark apartment wallowing. Dramatic, perhaps. But my heart feels like shit, and I’m allowed to be sad from time-to-time. However, my workout routine gives zero fucks for my pathetically sad heart. So I’m writing out this confession and then hauling my ass to the gym to lift weights. I’m in a strength-training pact with two other women and our virtual trainer has encouraged us to “kick-butt” in the gym this week (he’s Canadian). Luckily, last week I got in leg day before being stood up for the first time. The second time (different guy by-the-way), I actually drove to meet him. Luckily, I was pretty near a YMCA when I realized he was bailing. So I drove to the Y, cried in the parking lot, and then dragged myself inside for some cardio.

 

So yeah, I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. But I’m signing off and heading straight to the gym. Pity party over.

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Fall Fashion Y’all

I love fall. And here lately I have really been loving my look. I know that this isn’t a fashion blog, but I wanted to share some of my outfits that I got recently from Society Plus because I am feeling fine as hell in my own skin. It’s been a while since that’s happened. So feast on my fashion, friends.

 

 

*Full Disclosure, I recently became a Society Plus Affiliate. All that means is, if you use the link above to buy anything, I get a small fee. So far, my evil plan has backfired. I just keep buying stuff without posting the link.

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Death of a ballerina

You know how every little girl wants to be a ballerina at some point? Even I did. And in my misguided youth, I took ballet classes. I am anything but graceful, but I loved the thought of my little inner ballerina. Well, I just killed the childhood ballerina inside me. Tonight, I branched out of my comfort zone and took a ballet sculpt class at the Y. I’ve been wanting to take the class for months, but let every little excuse derail me from going. I was intimidated, but tonight I decided to give it a go. OH MY QUAD! I can already feel the burn, not just in my lower body but my shoulders, back, and biceps too. It kicked my ass! I do not make a very graceful ballerina, but I definitely gave it a shot. Oh, and I used a Pilates ring for the first time tonight.  That thing was invented by the devil. Holy hell, I hate that thing. There was one exercise we did where we squeezed the Pilates ring between our legs and lifted while lying on a stability ball. First of all, getting onto the ball with the palates ring clenched between my legs was definitely no graceful task. I pretty much dive-bombed the ball landing with a loud smack of my hands on the hardwood. At least I didn’t overshoot and go flying forward on my face, so there’s that. But I felt like I was staring in some kind of weird porn. Lying stomach down on the ball, pretty much squished my boobs up into my face. I love the girls and all, but I was very very aware of their presence and felt like at any moment they would rise up against me. Booby mutiny if you will. However, we finally finished that round of torture, and I gracefully (or not so much) slid from the ball to the floor into a crumpled heap.  But I survived.

As you know, music is my thing. Good music choice really takes my workout to another level. Although I enjoyed the ballet-sculpt class, I really hated the teacher’s musical choices. So I didn’t really get into it as much as I wanted to. And now my body is so sore, that I’m pretty sure that my inner ballerina has died.

 

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Sundays are for Hiking, Football, and Meal prep!

Today I started out my day with a hike at a local park. It was exactly what I needed after a really long week where I didn’t get to be as active as I wanted. It’s Sunday and the Cowboys were playing a noon game. So I decided to listen to the game while I was hiking. It was great until I would yell out during good plays (or bad) and startled strangers on the trail. Then I went to the grocery store with the game playing in my ear. Well, there were a couple of bad plays so there I was, standing in the coffee aisle, cussing. I startled the hipster next to me. So I quickly moved on.  I get to the check-out line and am waiting on the people in front of me to check out. Cowboys intercept the ball in the end zone, and I let out a big whoop! The cashier jumped out of her skin. I gave her a sheepish grin and apologized. I told her I was listening to the game, but I took my headphones out while checking out. Needless to say, I should probably not watch football in public. I get a little too into it. And while we are on the subject of the Cowboys, is it too much to ask to date a Cowboys’ fan once in a while? I seem to never date a Cowboys’ fan. The new guy I am talking to is not a Cowboys fan and was teasing me during the game today. But that’s okay I guess. He’s cute. Haha.

After I finished my hike, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on food to meal prep tonight. Tomorrow, I am starting a new clean-eating challenge with the Fit Bottomed Girls and Dave Smith. I think it is pretty doable and being in a group setting will provide some much needed accountability. My entire week is planned out, down to the water and exercise for each day. I already have my breakfast and lunches prepared for the next four days. I feel ready. Even when work gets super busy, I should still be able to heat up my pre-prepared meal. I’ve got this! It feels nice to be back in charge of my meal prepping again. I’ve gotten so lax and let being busy overcome my healthy habits. So I’ll keep you guys posted on my progress.


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I See the Moon and the Moon Sees Me

Today work was punishing me for being gone most of the week at the conference. I had to have some tough meetings, and it was one of those days where you run like crazy but feel like you get nothing accomplished. The conference was really good, but really busy. It was my first work trip after the promotion, and it was a new challenge juggling work responsibilities remotely. It is good to be home (and back to my desktop).

 

I’m working on gratitude and not complaining about being busy. I’m working on really appreciating the life that I have and the journey I’m on. It’s hard some days. Other days, it is a breeze. Today was a more unappreciative day. Today, I struggled with gratitude. I found myself thinking about “the boy” a lot. He reached out while I was out-of-town. I know I shouldn’t have responded, but I did. For some reason it felt safer since I was out-of-state. But he stays with me long after we end our talk. And then he texted today to check and make sure I made it home from my trip safely. So there was that, on top of all the work stuff. I shouldn’t be thinking of him. I should be enjoying texting the new cute guy who shows some promise and is really sweet. And I am. I really am. But yet, I’m thinking of him. So maybe that is a sign I’m not ready to date yet. I don’t know.

I ended up not leaving work until after 7:00, and it was already getting dark. I was feeling a little frazzled, but as I crossed the street on my walk home, I noticed how beautiful the moon is tonight. And it is a comfort isn’t it? Knowing that we are all under the same moon.  So I took a moment to admire the moon and reflect on its beauty before I had to make one last phone call to wrap up my work day.

 

I ended up ordering dinner delivery, too tired to go to the store. I have nothing but peach-flavored water in my fridge. I kept thinking about the moon though. So after I finished my dinner, I decided to slip up to my apartment roof to write this piece under the moonlight. A little bit of natural beauty in this busy city. Isn’t it a comfort though? Knowing you and I are under the same moon?


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Feeling Like Failure

This post is not about glorifying the busy. I am going to bitch about being busy, but it is honestly an expression of my struggle right now, and how I am doing a poor job of planning, meal prepping, and prioritizing. I realize this. I leave for a business trip on Saturday morning, but I am putting a plan in place to shape up (no pun intended) when I get back. I have started mapping out a clean-eating plan that will be written out and prepared for. I’m starting a group challenge on September 19, and I hope the group accountability will help keep me on track with my personal accountability.  This week has been a pretty busy one at work. I was hoping to try a new ballet sculpt class at the Y tonight at 6:30. Work had other plans. I had a meeting scheduled from 2:30 to 4:30. That meeting led to another meeting that lasted until after 8:00 tonight.  I ended up getting home at 8:30 tonight and brought work home to do. Once I got home (on autopilot), I realized that I have no groceries in the house, except a bag of popcorn and wilted spinach. So I fired up a food-delivery app and ordered cheap Mexican. I have to admit that I am feeling defeated tonight. But, things will get better and work will calm down. And I am working on doing better. Each day is a new start, right?

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Ooh la la

So today, I had on a new outfit that made me feel fierce. I needed that fierce for sure. This day was a bear. I ended up staying at work until 6:30, and I was slammed all day. By the time I got home, I missed my dance class, and I had zero motivation. I didn’t want to do anything. I ended up doing a quick circuit workout of plyometrics. It wasn’t much, but I still did something. I’m going to go with that positive thinking and call it a day.

 

My adorable Society+ outfit (ignore the bare feet. I had on killer heels at work).

 

 

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That nature reset button

So yesterday I made quite the fool of myself via drunken texts to my ex. I poured my heart out and did everything that I didn’t want to do when trying to be strong. My heart overrode my head. It was embarrassing, and I wish I hadn’t done it. So today I decided to reconnect with nature and clear my head and my heart. Nature always helps me reconnect and reset. It was a beautiful day, and I’m glad I hit the trail.

It’s game day so I had to rep the Hogs

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Staying Strong

I made the mistake of climbing in bed when I got home from work last night. I knew that I wanted to go workout, but my hip hop dance class didn’t start until 7:30. I actually got off work at a normal hour so I celebrated by climbing in bed and turning on “The Night Of” on HBO. (I’m one episode behind so no spoilers!) It was hard for me to get out of bed and turn off the tv (don’t judge! The show is really good), but I did. I knew that going to class would make me feel better.

I’m putting on a “brave face” and seem to be handling things just fine. Sometimes I am, but it’s nice that I’ve kept myself distracted. I think about him a lot though. It’s funny how the most innocuous thing can make me think about him – like doing pushups last night during one of our songs in dance class.  It’s completely ridiculous. I even started reading his favorite book. I’m pathetic. I know.

I’m terrible about caving when he texts, because he’s who I want to talk to the most, but I’m trying to be strong. I want to cry to him about the shitty news I received from a friend yesterday. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is okay. In past relationships, I’ve always caved.  Although it sounds contradictory, I love him too much to give in and text him or call him. I want nothing more than to respond to his texts and tell him about how hard this is and how much I miss him and think about him everyday. How I want him to realize that I’m not the kind of woman you walk away from and that what we had was too special to just let go. I want him to fight for me. To choose me. To love me.  But more than anything, I want a future with him, and if he’s not willing to give that to me, then I have to stay strong and work to get over him. I love him so much, but I have to love myself more in this instance. 

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Ache

It’s been one week since the end of my  relationship with the boy. I haven’t really spent a lot of time home alone. My week was full of either working late and then hitting the gym or going out with friends as a distraction. This past weekend, I went back to Arkansas to visit my family for my nephew’s first birthday. I drove down Friday and stayed until today. On my way out of town this morning, I had brunch with some dear friends that I haven’t seen in a while. My weekend was filled with family and love. It was a good weekend. There was no time to feel sad or be mopey. Then, I spent two hours catching up with my friends this morning. Our brunch was full of laughter and comraderie. 

I knew the drive home was going to be tough. There would be plenty of time for me to turn our relationship over in my mind and for me to think about what could have been. And anytime I spend the weekend with family, it’s always a little hard coming home to an empty apartment so I knew that plus my heartbreak would make today doubly hard. I will say, driving through Arkansas did not make me nostalgic or homesick. I most certainly miss the people in my life from there, but I do not miss living in Little Rock at all. At least I can be comforted in the fact that every time I visit Arkansas, I am certain that my move last year was the right choice. I know that even now when I’m missing having family close by as salve for my broken heart. 

However, even being secure in that knowledge, I am having trouble falling asleep tonight. I’m sad. I figured I’d get these words out to unburden my heavy heart a little. To ease the effects of my sadness. Tonight, I’m thinking about the physical sides of emotions. I’m not talking about arousal or sexual gratification. I’m talking about the actual physical ache you can feel in your heart when it’s breaking or yearning for someone to return your love. I’m talking about the nausea associated with that heartache, the hot-searing pain of the tears running down your face, and the breathless tightening of your chest as you long for him to tell you he made a mistake and can’t live without you. It’s amazing really that emotions can translate to the physical. 

Perhaps I should be embarrassed at my willingness to express such raw thoughts on the World Wide Web. However, I’ve tried to keep this blog honest and authentic throughout. So, I ask for a little patience and understanding as I work through this latest “challenge.” 

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