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(Almost) No Joy in Runville

I went for a run on Tuesday, and it was probably my most pathetic run yet. I didn’t necessarily go because I wanted to. I thought sunshine, endorphins, and outdoors would help cheer me up a little though. I’m going through the grieving period after a (very) recent breakup, and am looking for anything (legal and drug-free) to help the pain be a little less present. My heart is utterly broken, but my legs are not, so Tuesday I thought a run might help.

It was pretty hot here in Arkansas on Tuesday and the sun was shining down. I picked one of my favorite running routes and took off to a recommended playlist on Spotify. I struggled a lot. I ended up walking most of my route because I’ve been eating terribly the three days before (very little and mostly just junk – typical breakup food) and it showed. My body was not cooperating, which just pissed me off. And that wasn’t fair because it wasn’t my body’s fault that I ate terribly.

I ended up walking more than running. During the sporadic spurts of running that I did do, I managed to fall off the sidewalk (apparently I cannot run in a straight line), French kiss an unidentified insect, and even cried when Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” came on (thank God for sunglasses and sweat). Not my finer moments. However, during one point of my run (when I was actually running), a precious toddler girl broke away from her parents to run with me. She was so joyous in the fact that she had a running buddy. She ran toward me and then ran back with me to where her parents sat. Her joy was infectious. Even amidst all my grief and heartache, I managed to find happiness in that brief moment. I slowed and smiled down at her as she dutifully returned to her parents and then continued on my way.

 

So even though it was not a successful run in terms of pace and distance, it was still successful – giving me a brief reprieve from everything that has been going on lately. A nice reminder that no matter what is going on in life, there is always at least a little joy to be found.

 

PS: A note about my terrible eating. It has gotten better as the week has progressed. I know I have shared my struggle and concerns about comfort eating or emotional eating so I wanted to address that.  I wouldn’t say that my terrible food choice has been comfort or emotional eating, but more a matter of lack of wanting to put effort and thought into what I was eating.  I haven’t really been that hungry and the junk food was at my fingertips. I didn’t eat it because I thought it would make me feel better (which diverges somewhat from my emotional eating in the past), but because it was there – I didn’t have to think about it. I’m not saying that the reasoning makes it better or worse, but I just wanted to be clear about why I was eating the way that I was.

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The Mean Reds

You know those days when you’ve got the mean reds…. the blues are because you’re getting fat or maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re sad, that’s all. But the mean reds are horrible. You’re afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Except something bad is going to happen, only you don’t know what it is.

– Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

I am having one of those days where I am so plagued with self-doubt.  This post is not about garnering pity or compliments.  I want to be open and honest with you about my journey to health, and that includes sharing the good with the bad.  I don’t really feel well today because allergies have been kicking my ass all week.  When I don’t feel well, I revert to a three year old who is overdue for a nap.  I’m pretty grouchy.  And on top of being grouchy, I’m being pretty hard on myself today.

I’ve said previously (and repeatedly) that the mind is a very powerful thing.  I’m working on believing in myself 100% and giving myself unconditional love that I so freely give to others.  However, I still have days where it seems like I’m failing miserably on those fronts.  Today is that day.  For no rational reason, I feel like I am never going to get a happy ending.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I’ve slacked off for the month of May, and no progress is being made. I feel like people are crazy for thinking that I’m beautiful or strong. I feel like I’m stuck. I hate this feeling.

I plan on going for a run after work and hopefully, clearing my head of these negative thoughts.  But right now, they are there.  I wanted to share this with you because I want you to know that not every day is a victory.  I know I share the positive and uplifting posts more often, but I want you to know that I have bad days too.  If you feel like this, know you’re not alone.  We’ll get through it together.

 

PS: I just realized that my solution to feeling terrible is to go on a run.  I’m going to chalk that up to a victory because in the past my solution would have been booze, cupcakes, or both.

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